"Dear Penthouse,

Like so many of your readers, I was a bit skeptical about the letters in the 'Penthouse Forum'. That is, until last weekend..."

When I was a horny adolescent, I was a big fan of the letters in Penthouse, where readers would supposedly write in about their "true experiences". As you can imagine, most of it was pretty low-grade erotica, full of horny bisexual coeds and straying housewives with bodies that should have belonged to strippers.

Even though I think I knew in the back of my head that the stuff in there was just made up, I wanted to believe it the same way an eight-year-old wants to keep believing in Santa Claus. Because even though in your head you know it's probably not true, you ignore that in favor of your heart hoping that it is. Face it - once you officially quit believing in Santa Claus, a lttle bit of magic goes out of the world.

So, eventually I grew up and graduated from just reading about sex to actually getting to have it myself on a fairly regular basis, and I got used to the fact that even though I've had some pretty fucking fabulous experiences, the kind of shit that I used to read about in Penthouse Forum didn't really ever happen. One night stands with gorgeous women don't just fall into your lap, group sex is never hassle-free, and the hot neighbor is never going to come to your door dressed just in a towel asking if you can take a look at her pipes. And there's no Santa Claus.

Well, guess the fuck what.

Every once in a long while, there is a Santa Claus after all.

The other night I was going to meet up with a nice young lady that I've been chatting with for a few months. The plan was that we were going to get together for a couple of drinks at a bar, and then perhaps go dancing, or maybe back to my place to get high. For whatever reason, even though we've been chatting for quite a long time, we have barely talked about sex at all. Yeah, there's been quite a bit of flirting and stuff, but this wasn't a "let's get together and see what we think, and if we're both game for it then let's fuck" kind of meeting. So I didn't really know what to expect, though I did make preparations just in case. What I was hoping we would do was to go back to my place and smoke pot, and I know that makes me ridiculously horny, so perhaps if she was the same way I'd be able to seduce her. In any case, a little preparation never hurt.

Shortly before I left to go meet her, I checked my email and there were a couple of messages from her (for obvious reasons I didn't give her my phone number). She was nervous, she said, because this was the first time she'd ever met anyone online, so she was going to bring her best friend with her. She hoped I didn't mind, her friend was cool, etc. etc. Well, I didn't really mind (it beat her cancelling or, worse, just standing me up), but I figured that the odds of getting laid decreased dramatically. We'd probably still have fun, drink some, get high, hang out, but as far as getting laid, the night was probably going to be a bust. Unless I could figure some way to ditch the friend, or she was going to pass out or just hang out while we hooked up, it probably just wasn't going to happen. Damn.

Anyway, after a minor to-do (they were 45 minutes late, but they called the bar to ask for directions and let me know they were coming) they got there and we settled in for the first round of drinks.

Michelle, the girl I was meeting, is 27. Medium height, chin-length platinum blonde hair and blue eyes. NICE body - thinner than I usually go for, but hey, I can be into that. Great legs, nice ass, flat tummy. The only drawback is that she has smallish tits - possibly B cups. But you can't have everything, and it's not like she's completely flat-chested. I'd seen pictures of her, but she looked a lot better in real life than I expected.

Her friend Kim is 42. About the same height, a little overweight but not really "fat", just, you know, bigger. Blonde hair, brown eyes, big tits.

So we hang out and talk for a couple of hours. I get us another round of drinks, and Michelle passes out Xanax. I get just a quarter of a pill, because I've never tried it before and I don't want to get too fucked up. I think Kim and Michelle have a half each. It's an interesting sensation - it just takes a little bit of the edge off so I'm more relaxed. Not real pronounced, but I can tell that it's working if I really think about it. Between that and two screwdrivers over the course of about two hours, I'm feeling a little buzzed but not drunk, which is right where I want to be. The girls are somewhat worse for wear, having smoked some pot before they arrived (as I eventually learned).

So far, though, things are going really well. The conversation has been fun. Kim plays the third wheel pretty well, recognizing that we're there on the "date" and staying out of the way for the most part, but participating in the conversation. Michelle and I have almost no trouble translating the rapport we've developed online to the "real world", which is a nice surprise. We flirt a lot online - but it's pretty low-key - but now face-to-face it's getting a lot more serious. We're sitting beside each other in the booth with Kim across from us, and as the evening goes on we wind up sitting closer and closer, and there's a lot of touching and quick squeezes on the arm or the leg when someone says something particularly noteworthy.

At one point, Michelle is telling me how she and Kim are so tight that they got matching tattoos. Kim points to hers on her upper arm. Michelle says, "Mine's in a place that's not too visible."

"Oh yeah? Where?" Because, obviously, if it's in a place you normally can't see it, then I'm interested in seeing it.

"Well, I can show you..." She gives a quick look around the bar to make sure no one else can see, and then pulls up her skirt to show me her bikini area, which has a matching heart tattoo. At the same time, I can't help but get a nice long look at her very skimpy flesh-colored panties covering what looks to be a shaved pussy.

"Very nice," I say, giving her a look that means I'm not just talking about her tattoo.

"Yeah, it hurt like a bitch when they did it - but it wasn't nearly as bad as when they did my other one. It goes from here" - pointing to the top of her ass - "all the way around to my hips."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. See?" She turns her back to me and starts lifting her skirt up in the back.

"You're going to show him your panties," observes an amused Kim.

"I know," says Michelle, pulling up her skirt over her ass, showing me her tattoo and her ass. Yeah, she's wearing a thong.

"That's very nice," I say, pretending to admire the artwork (I can't for the life of me tell you what it actually was - flowers or something like that I think) but really taking the opportunity to fondle her mostly-bare ass for a moment.

You know, this really is going very very well.

As the conversation continues, and Michelle and I are getting more and more friendly, the girls inform me that they're both bisexual, "but we've never done anything together" Kim says, and Michelle blows her a kiss across the table, laughing. I'm not entirely sure where this is going, but I'm pretty sure it's somewhere good.

At one point Michelle heads to the Ladies' Room. "So, what do you think of her?" Kim asks me.

"I like her. She's a lot of fun - and she's hot," I answer with a wink, figuring that's a good reply.

Kim laughs. "That's good... I can tell she likes you. She was making eyes at me across the table."

"Well, that's good. I hope so."

Kim looks appraisingly at me for a minute. Then she leans over a bit and says, "Tell me something."

"Sure, what?"

"Have you ever been with two women at once before?"

Schwing! Surely this can't really be happening. But I'll go along.

"Well, once, sort of. I was on this business trip a few years ago and I met these two college girls in a bar, and we wound up going back to my room and got naked. But mostly I was with one of them and I just fooled around with the other one a bit, so it wasn't really being with two of them at once."

(Essentially a true story, by the way - I'll tell it sometime.)

Michelle chooses this moment to come back from the bathroom. "What are you all talking about?"

Kim says, "[Pon Farr] was just telling me about the time he hooked up with these two college girls at the same time, but it didn't really work out." And so I had to repeat the story for Michelle's benefit.

Eventually we decide to go back to my place, after stopping off at one more bar, so we can drink and get high and listen to music for less than $4 a drink. At this point I'm estimating my chances of getting laid at 80% and rising quickly.

So we stop off at this other bar, which is just around the corner. I think the girls were hoping there was going to be a DJ and some dancing, but no joy. I bought Kim and Michelle another drink and then they decided to play pool. Michelle decides she'd rather watch after a few shots, so I wind up playing for her. This is nice because while I'm waiting for Kim to shoot, I'd wander over to Michelle and fondle her a bit, and she'd be doing it right back to me.

So, once the game was over (I lost - I suck at pool), we're outta there and it's back to my place. I play bartender and fix us all drinks, then it's out to the back porch for some music, booze, and pot.

The flirting turns deadly serious. Kim asks me what my fantasy is. Because I'm no idiot, I say that it's always been to have sex with two women at the same time. Then she asks how big my dick is, and I tell her eight inches.

"That'd do," says Kim.

"Nicely," giggles Michelle.

"So where's the bedroom?" asks Kim.

"Right back there," I point.

The girls decide to have another Xanex each before heading back to the bedroom, so I fix Michelle another drink and sneak back to the bedroom to light all the candles that I'd put in there earlier (Michelle had told me that she really liked candles, and amazingly enough I'd actually remembered it).

After that I went back out to see how they were doing, and they were just coming in. Kim stopped off in the bathroom, and Michelle came into the room, kicked off her shoes, and languidly laid herself down on the bed.

(Believe it or not, Part II gets even better!)

A Return of Regular Action? - 2005-03-31
Patience Rewarded - 2005-03-29
Infidelity... It's Everywhere - 2005-03-25
3 A.M. Eternal (KLF is gonna rock you!) - 2005-03-24
A Different Twist - 2005-03-21