I was at another meeting yesterday, and saw my "fantasy MILF" again. She is *so* yummy, and there is *so* zero chance of anything ever happening there. Sigh. As the whole thing was breaking up, she and I were in a group of five who were the last people to leave. As I took my leave, I shook hands with the other two guys, smiled and nodded to the other woman, and reached out and gave my MILF a quick squeeze on the arm above the elbow as I said goodnight. That's about as far as I can go.

I have made a great discovery.

Men and women think in fundamentally different ways.

(Nobel Prize Committee, email me and I'll let you know there to send the check.)

I am inspired to seriously bitch about my wife and sex, but I think the conflict is caused by a fundamental difference in the way that men and women think about sex. I am hesitant to simply say she's being a bitch, or just totally insensitive to my wants/needs/desires, or just doesn't give a fuck about my happiness. I think she wants me to be happy. Why she shows little-to-no interest in performing (what seem to be to me) a few simple tasks to make that happen, I just cannot comprehend.

I'm cool with the fact that my wife doesn't want to indulge in full-blown sex nearly as often as I would like (which would be roughly twice a day, while she seems to be more interested in perhaps twice a month). I know it's a big production, takes a long time, leaves her pussy a little battered, and all that. I think there's an acceptable middle position that can be negotiated here that both parties can live with. No real problem there.

Here's the thing. I do all sorts of random shit in my relationship with my wife for no other reason than to make her happy. I put up with her endless watching of cop show reruns every single freaking night because it helps her go to sleep, even though it usually keeps me up. I wind up waiting for her to fall asleep, and only then can I turn it off and go to sleep myself (generally after quietly jacking off beside her in the bed to try and relieve a little bit of my pent-up sexual frustration). I do all sorts of other stuff for no other reason than to make her happy. And I don't think I ask for a whole lot in return. For the most part, I'm content to let her do what she likes, make whatever she likes to eat (she loves to cook), I take her out to eat whenever she doesn't feel like making anything, I put up with her family visiting on a regular basis, you name it. There are only a few things that I really want to be able to do without catching grief over it, and she's reasonably good about letting me do most of those things. For the most part, we get along pretty well.

I'm certainly not perfect, but she really has nothing to complain about with how I treat her (which doesn't prevent her from doing it anyway). For the most part, I treat her like she deserves to be treated - I compliment her, I listen to her, and I take good care of her.

But it's another story when it comes to the sexual side of our relationship.

Like all couples, back when we were dating, we fucked like the house was on fire (it's a figure of speech - if your house is actually on fire, I recommend that you actually stop fucking immediately, and get the hell out). We were screwing every day, sometimes several times a day, and it was heavenly. Often, we would fuck so hard that I would quite literally bruise my cock - she liked it when I would push forward and grind my dick against her pubic bone, presumably because it stimulated her clit and helped her get off. Then we might - or might not - take a day off to recover because we were back at it like minks the following day.

(Ever bruised your dick? It's not pleasant.)

Now, I've been in enough long-term relationships and my first marriage to know that it wasn't going to stay like that. If we dropped back to having sex twice a week, say, I'd be completely cool with that. Even though it's way less than I'd prefer, I think that's reasonable. But the point of all this is that whatever is going on with my wife, I don't think she can say the problem is that she simply doesn't like sex. Because I know for a fact from both experience and things I've discovered that she does like sex, and at one point she even liked sex with me. And it's not that I've let myself go - I've put on 10-15 pounds in the years that we've been together, mostly because of her great cooking. But I'm still on the "skinny" side of being height/weight proportional (I'm 6'1", 175-180 pounds). I'm never going to have movie star looks, but I think I probably look as good now as I ever have. So I don't think it's that I've become objectively unattractive (though it sure as hell makes me feel that way!)

So, even if we're not having sex as often as I would like, or even as often as I think is a reasonable compromise, is it too much to ask for a little consideration with my sexual wants and desires?

If I can manage to take five minutes to unload the dishwasher after every load of dishes, or change the litter in the cats' shitter, or haul the garbage out to the curb twice a week and bring the cans back up when I get home in the evening, is it really unreasonable to ask her to spend five minutes every now and then tending to me sexually?

It doesn't have to be intercourse (that would certainly take a lot longer than five minutes), but how about a handjob or a blowjob? What is it about that that makes it such a freaking imposition?

I mean, I don't especially enjoy rubbing my wife's feet, but when she asks, I do it, because I want her to be happy. But when I'm obviously extremely horny, and I suggest that perhaps she could help me out... well, if I'm lucky she just brushes me off, if I'm not then I get accused of "pressuring" her or a fight ensues over it. I can't help but feel like my happiness isn't that much of a priority for her. I'm not asking for it all the time, or even on a regular basis, but a little help from time to time would go a long way towards keeping my sex drive from boiling over.

Am I being unreasonable here? I really don't understand what it is that causes her to have an issue. It seems pretty cut-and-dried.

(And I'll tell you this - when I'm tempted to feel guilty about the times I've been unfaithful to my wife, it doesn't take me very long to think of a few dozen times that I wanted to screw her instead, and was basically told to fuck off. Reject me that often, and I'm not going to feel very guilty about seeking acceptance from someone else.)

This is where I think there must be some fundamental difference between how men and women approach the sexuality of their partners. If I didn't want to bang my wife (and once or twice I've been too tired to fool around) but she wanted me to help her out by fingering her or going down on her, then I think I wouldn't have a problem with that. I wish I had some insight into how women thing where they see it as perfectly acceptable and reasonable to tell their partners to go take a hike when they are obviously in distress.

Do any of the women who read this diary (I know there are two or three of you, so don't be shy!) have some insight into this? It's perfectly possible that I'm being a male pig about this somehow, and if that's the case, I'd like to know why it seems that way to you. Leave me a comment below - I am genuinely trying to understand this from the women's perspective.

Thanks.

A Return of Regular Action? - 2005-03-31
Patience Rewarded - 2005-03-29
Infidelity... It's Everywhere - 2005-03-25
3 A.M. Eternal (KLF is gonna rock you!) - 2005-03-24
A Different Twist - 2005-03-21