You might wonder if I ever regret the things I've done. For the most part, I'd say that generally, no, I don't.

That's not to say that in retrospect some of the things I did weren't mistakes, or that I couldn't have made better choices, or if I had the chance to go back and change some things I wouldn't do it (for one thing, I would have screwed a *ton* more chicks in my high school/college/grad school days if I knew then the things I know now).

But for the most part I don't regret the choices I've made. At the time, I was doing what I thought was the best thing. It's easy to go back after the fact and say I should have done things differently, but anyone can do that. I stand behind what I've done and I'll endure the consequences, whatever they may be.

It's actually one of the things about myself that I'm most proud of - I don't second-guess myself and get all whiny about what I should have done differently. My attitude with people who are always moaning about how things have turned out is prettry much summed up as "get the fuck over it and move on."

Granted, that's easier to say than to do, but I'm pretty good at it.

I do have some regrets. But what I've found in general is that I almost never regret the things I've done. I do regret some of the things that I haven't done. Opportunities that presented themselves that I didn't go for because I was too chicken, or trying to do the right thing, or whatever. Fuck that shit. I should have gone for it.

Here's the example that best illustrates this, I think. Back in college, I knew this girl, Anne. When I met her, I was a newly-single junior (I inexplicably spent most of that school year single, basically the only time since I was 16 years old where I wasn't seeing *anyone*)(fucking Ally when the urge struck me doesn't count) and Anne was a freshman. She was seeing some other guy when we first met (we were in the same organization, so I saw her quite a bit), but we flirted a lot and there was definitely chemistry there. So, a couple of months go by, they break up, and I move in.

So we start going out and spending time a lot of time together. It's kind of nice having a girlfriend again, but she doesn't really fit in with my friends, and as I get to know her better I'm thinking that we just don't have all that much in common. Plus, she's cute and has a nice body, but really doesn't have very big tits.

No offense to you ladies, but I'm quite simply a tit man. If you go back and look at all my serious girlfriends and women I've had any ongoing relationship with and you'll see one thing that all of them have - a nice rack. They may be blonde, brunette, or redheaded. Tall, medium, or short. Skinny, athletic, or voluptuous. But all of them have nice tits. Anne's are nice in their own way - very perky. But there's not really any "there" there, if you know what I mean. It doesn't take me too long - a week or two of going out - to realize that despite the fact that I'd been casually pursuing her for a couple of months, now that I was dating her it turned out that I just wasn't that into her (to use the popular phrase).

Of course, while I'm figuring all this out on my own, Anne is getting very into it. I'm living by myself in an apartment just off campus, and of course she's stuck in one of the freshman dorms. So we hang out at my place, and after we've been dating for a week or two, she's over at my place one night and we're watching movies and rather than get up afterward and drive her home, she might as well just sleep over.

Now, this next part is believeable if you keep in mind that at the time I was just 20, and she was only 18. When I say that she slept over - we actually slept! We went back to my bedroom, got in bed and actually went to sleep. She slept in her clothes (she did take her bra off) and I slept in my normal sleepwear (this was about November, so it was reasonably cold). I think there was some level of making out, but I don't think I even touched her tits, believe it or not. Then we got up the next morning and went out to breakfast.

That being said, even at 20 I recognize where this is going. The next time she stays over, there is almost certainly going to be sex involved (I think I had discovered that she fucked the guy she was seeing when I first met her and didn't regret it, so there was none of that "I'm saving myself for marriage" bullshit to deal with). At the same time, I've figured out that I'm just not all that into this, and I don't want to stay with her because I'll be miserable and it's bound to end badly. So the right thing to do is to end it before things get any more serious, right? I mean, she's going to be pissed at me for dumping her, but it would be a lot worse if I fucked her and THEN dumped her, right? What kind of a jerk would I be then?

As I said, I was 20 and really, really stupid.

So, I sat her down and we had The Talk, and I dumped her as gently as I could. Of course, it sucked. And despite the fact that I was as nice as I could be, she was still pissed at me, and stayed at least moderately pissed at me for the rest of the nearly two years that we were in school together (and probably long afterward). I couldn't spend any time around her without feeling guilty about the whole thing, and the fact that I had dumped her before we got as far as having sex didn't really alleviate that very much. In fact, as time went on, I vaguely began to realize that all I had managed to do was fuck myself.

How, you ask?

Well, look what I did and where I wound up. I broke up with her before we had sex, because I thought it was the "right thing" to do. End result: No sex, and she still thinks I'm an asshole.

Now, let's reasonably project what would have happened if I went ahead and fucked her. Several possibilities come to mind. First, I would have fucked her, which even if it had sucked would have been an improvement over not having fucked her (sex is like pizza - even when it's pretty bad, it's still pretty good). As things turned out, I eventually realized that she was a bit of a slut (and I do love me those slutty girls!) She woudn up fucking a couple of other guys that were acquaintances of mine and they seemed to think she was a good lay. The year after I'd graduated, I was in town for a visit and randomly sat in on a conversation she had with the girl I'd brought with me, and Anne was lamenting how she had a tendency to drink a bit too much and have sex with guys that she probably shouldn't.

I think this is when the light dawned. In my head, there's the voice: "You dumbass - if you'd just gone ahead and fucked her, who do you think she'd have been calling when she was drunk and horny?"

So, by trying to do the "right thing", all I accomplished was probably screwing myself out of a couple of years of no-strings sex with a hot little slut. Nice going, dipshit!

So there you go. That's not the only example, though it's probably the most glaring. I've had some incredible experiences when I've just decided to go for it when the choice presents itself. Now, that doesn't mean be completely stupid. If I'm going to bring someone home, I'm not going to do it if I think there's any reasonable chance I'm going to get caught.

I've realized that the only experiences that you can guarantee won't be good are the ones that you choose not to have. If you don't go for it, you'll never find out. It may not work out - sometimes things don't. But I feel sorry for all those people who never give themselves a chance to experience the possibilities.

This diary would be even more boring than it already is if I didn't have a great backlog of stories from all the times that I decided to go for it and had a noteworthy experience. I have hardly any good stories about the times that I decided to be a chickenshit (like this one). So, if you want my advice (and who doesn't?), get out there and carpe the old diem - but don't be too stupid about it.

A great postscript to the story, incidentally - know what happened to Anne, who I didn't fuck but a bunch of other, smarter guys did? She's a pastor in a church out west now. I just find that very funny for some reason.

A Return of Regular Action? - 2005-03-31
Patience Rewarded - 2005-03-29
Infidelity... It's Everywhere - 2005-03-25
3 A.M. Eternal (KLF is gonna rock you!) - 2005-03-24
A Different Twist - 2005-03-21