I'll call myself "Pon Farr" (serious nerds will recognize the term, those of you with lives can Google it if you are truly curious). I'm a sex addict.

I don't know if I fit the clinical definition, and when I was in therapy (about six months, several years ago) we didn't really get into the technical diagnosis, but for practical intents and purposes I consider myself one. My addiction cost me my first marriage and could possibly cost me my current marriage if its ever discovered by my wife. I suppose I could go back into therapy to try and get "cured", but the fact of the matter is that I don't really want to. They say that first step in treating an addiction is admitting that you have a problem. Okay, I'm there. The second step is really wanting to make a change. I'm not there yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. I go back and forth on this, but I think for the most part I'm reasonably happy with the way my life is. I'm happy in my marriage. I just feel like I need a lot of sexual stimulation beyond what my wife can (or is willing) to provide. I've found that I can get that on my own and still keep the rest of my life completely normal to the outside world. It's possible that I will screw up and someone will blow the whistle on my secret. But hopefully not. I've been leading this double life since I was a teenager, some twenty years ago, and only really once have I completely screwed up. Hopefully I won't be so careless again.

As I said, I'm married, and my wife and I have the normal suburban sex life. Sometimes we'll fuck two or three times in a week, but more typically it will be once or twice a month. It wasn't always like this, of course. My wife and I wound up in bed on our first date and for most of that first year we fucked practically every day. But after we got married and settled, our sex life dwindled down to where it is now. I'm not really upset about it and I don't hold any animosity towards her over it. Actually, I'm still crazy about her, and I still think she is still as sexy as she was the day I met her. It just seems to be how marriage works, at least in my case. The exact same thing happened with my first wife, too (maybe it's something about me). The sex started off red-hot and gradually dwindled down to occasional.

I don't think it matters, though. With both of them, and in fact with almost every relationship I've been in, no matter how much sex I was having, it wasn't enough. I'd still be masturbating two or three times a day, meeting and fucking other women as the opportunities presented themselves. It's my need, my craving, and I don't know that there exists a woman who can completely fullfill me sexually. I sometimes wonder if I'd ever met the right woman who would join in an "alternative" arrangment, or who was just more of a slut at heart, if things might not have worked out better in that regard for me. However, I guess I'm too picky about who I would date socially. I'll fuck just about anyone, but I'm pretty demanding about who I can live with on a day-to-day basis and most of those people are, when you get right down to it, "nice girls". So I'm married to a "nice girl" (though she has her moments) and we have a nice home and a outwardly-appearing ideal conventional suburban life. But on the other hand I manage to live a second life revolving around fucking my sluts and having and giving fabulous orgasms in all sorts of places and with all sorts of people, and between those two lives, I'm reasonably happy. I think.

But no one knows the real me. For some reason, that bothers me. Whether it's to confess my sins or to boast about my conquests (ha!), I want that part of my life recorded somewhere so that someone, somewhere will know this part of me, even if they never know who I really am. And hopefully some of you will find some of this to be a turn-on, like when I read about some of the other "sex diarists" online (there's some prime jack-off material out there, let me tell you!)

So, let's see how this goes.

A Return of Regular Action? - 2005-03-31
Patience Rewarded - 2005-03-29
Infidelity... It's Everywhere - 2005-03-25
3 A.M. Eternal (KLF is gonna rock you!) - 2005-03-24
A Different Twist - 2005-03-21